Monday, May 21, 2007


Things are coming together. I am beginning to watch this trip inch closer and closer, and the first thought or feeling, I should say, is fear.

Fear of what the tests will show.
Fear of what the doctors might suggest.
Fear of possible surgery...
But most of all,

Fear of the unknown.

I wasn't sure if I should share this with you all. But you have joined me in this journey much earlier than I typically invite people in.

I usually have an upcoming surgery date before anyone knows anything is going on....Which is why it is weird to have all of you aware of, and along with me on this journey.

But this is good.

People think I am courageous because I have been through several brain surgeries.

Ha! What a joke! I am not brave. No. not a single bit.

But that's ok, because I don't have to go through it alone.

Not only do I have all of you, who have been awesome in offering donations, support, and prayers........but I also have someone who has been with me through every step of this illness, carrying me all the way.

Some might think this is Jen that I am mentioning. And no, it isn't. Although she has been a big supporter through all of my surgeries, as well as many of my friends back in AZ.

Nope, she has been to all of the surgeries, but the only one who has been with me through every unknown, every fear, and every tear, is God.

When I think of fear, I think of the Psalms. There are a lot of great verses about fear in there. Many of them are written by David. He wrote the one "though I walk through the shadow of death I will fear no evil..."

I used to think that that David was a truly brave sole. However, it occurred to be the other day that he wouldn't talk so much about not being afraid it he truly was not.

It would be a null issue.

So yes, even David was afraid. And God addresses courage in his book also. People of faith should have courage..........which of course is irrelevant without first being afraid.

So yes, I was feeling guilty about feeling fearful, but now I am just accepting it and moving forward despite it.

I know that I will not face a single moment of the days to come alone, even when people are not right by.

So, please don't call be brave. Called me blessed.

But don't say "bless her heart", because we all know that is really an insult. It always is followed by something stupid someone has done..........and yes, I have done many stupid things, but luckily only God knows all of them, and He isn't telling.

Take care of you, and God Bless!!!

Thanks for coming along for the ride. And yes, I do feel all of the prayers :)


lace1070 said...

I found you on a blogger search ~ I, too, have Chiari and just just returned from TCI in early May. Although I have yet to have any of the 3 surgeries they have suggested I get, they are on the horizon! Have faith in the docs at TCI ~ they are amazing! Check out my blog if you are interested ~ I, too, am having my faith tested!!