Small wrinkles shine loudly; determining seconds on the clocks of time run deep. There are moments in our lives which shed light on who we are, as a person, as a society, and as a collective.
Today I witnessed a defining piece of history I wish I had not. For me, for the people around me, my city, and culture at whole.
And I found out truths about all of us that sunk my heart.
I didn't get off the train.
The light rail paused at the station, just like any other day. And just like any other day in the city of Phoenix, a young homeless man lie sleeping on the ground.
Except, wait a minute, is he sleeping?
He was lying straight on his back perpendicular to the train, as if he were just about to get in when he fell into his slumber.
Something's not right about that. I looked over at the bench beside him, where he should be sleeping. That's where someone would rest.
But only a woman rest there. Casually watching the scene as if it were on a TV in her living room.
I glanced back around standing up. No one else on the train seemed to care, or want to check on him. Perhaps I was wrong.
No, look at his hands. They are tight and fixed. He's dead. Or is he breathing. I don't know. What should I do?
The train isn't moving so perhaps the conductor is getting out to help.
I look back, as a passerby decides to try to shake him.
Just like me.
The train moves on and I sit back down as a friend calls 911. I look around wondering if no one else noticed such a horrible sight. They must have missed it somehow.
But a wrong address gets a yawned correction from one of the fellow passengers, and a few others nod in agreement.
They all noticed.
We all noticed.
A fellow brother lay fallen, and most people just looked on, or turned away...and none of us got off the train.
I always thought I would.
The train starts to move.
Matthew 25:35-40 - "'For I was hungry and you gave Me something to eat; I was thirsty and you gave Me something to drink; I was a stranger and you took Me in; I was naked and you clothed Me; I was sick and you took care of Me; I was in prison and you visited Me.' Then the righteous will answer Him, 'Lord, when did we see You hungry and feed You, or thirsty and give You something to drink? When did we see You a stranger and take You in, or without clothes and clothe You? When did we see You sick, or in prison, and visit You?' And the King will answer them, 'I assure you: Whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of Mine, you did for Me.'"
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Thursday, January 8, 2009
Use all your skill to put me together; I wait to see your finished product. Psalm 25:21 (Message)
I have decided to come out of hiding and blog once again. This journey so far has been difficult, thrilling, blessed, and disappointing.Originally my blog was called NYC Consult because I thought TCI was the answer. And yes it was an answer to prayer, and I am blessed that I found that wonderful team in New York. I am at a much better place since I first met Dr B back in June of 2007.
How wonderful it was to meet a doctor who not only had personality, but also didn't ask me to repeat the name of my diagnosis!
Shhhh. Don't tell anyone, but I secretly expected a full healing from the revision of my decompression. Like Kermie I'm a dreamer. But what an awesome dream to have, huh? Anyho...
So here I am a couple surgeries later, in 2009, still flawed, and still hurting. My headaches are often and even my fingers hurt. The above picture is of the braces made special for me that not only support my weakened wrists, but also give cushioning to fingers so sore they hurt when they touch one another.
The brace helps a lot. However, this part of my life was not what I expected. I wanted to be able to share with you the blessing of being healed by this point, but what I have learned along the way is that healing, like many things on this life, is a process.
I hope this isn't discouraging for those of you just beginning your journey with Chiari. For my family of friends who have been on this long rocky path with me, if only through this blog, I hope that they can see the physical, spiritual, and emotional healing that has taken place along the way.
There is a lot of Queli that was broken, and there is still a lot more to fix.
On the spiritual end I have stepped up and started praying directly for healing. You would think I'd have been praying this all along, but I haven't. To me asking for healing has felt sorta like telling God what to do. Although I have always been a backseat driver, I really didn't want to chance messing with my faith like that.
However, I am at a place where my relationship with God can stand a direct yes or no from Jesus without being shaken.
So I'm praying for healing for the next six months (well five now) and praying that after the six months if I am still in constant pain, that I will have the ability, and humility to say yes to that fusion surgery.
Here's what has happened in the last month since the prayer has begun.
After finding 3 disks bulging in my neck as the culprit to neck and arm/hand pain, my neuro order PT along with traction.
During traction, I am hooked up to a machine that pulls my brain up so it isn't resting on my spine basically.
Traction has been amazing so far. It isn't very comfortable during, but every time I do it (which is about twice a week right now) I feel better, longer. It started out for only moments, and now we are up to two hours of relief.
Also my doctor has prescribed cortisone shots for the neck muscles, which should make these traction sessions cause longer periods of relief.
So no, I am not the guy sitting a Beautiful Gate who received instant healing.
However, Jesus has so far said yes to my prayer, and has given me moments of his healing touch. Which is perhaps all I can handle at this point. Jesus once asked a lame man if he wanted to be healed. Now I know that my answer is not as clear as it once was.
My answer would have to be "I don't know".
Chiari, with all of its struggles and pains, as drawn me closer to my Creator. And still today, if I am truly honest with myself, I don't know that if I had the ability to run without pain, that I would continue to sit at His feet.
For now, I peacefully wait at the Beautiful Gate knowing I don't have to have all the answers. Its in the hands of one that can hold it without the need for a brace to keep His wrists from buckling.
Monday, August 4, 2008
The last month has been one mess after another, one broken gadget after another, and one illness after another around here.
No time to stop and take a breath.
And right now I don't have time for the flare up that has come along.
My aching muscles scream when I try to comb my hair or brush my teeth let alone all the things left to get in order around here.
The earthly vessle has informed me it is time to rest, yet there is no to listen.
I wonder if the flare has any links to increased stress? Perhaps the stress alone, or all the activity I have been doing to try to keep up with the crumbling pieces of things and people falling apart around me.
However, God as my refuge, I have remained relatively calm during this storm. Numbness, a friend suggested, which may be true. However, whatever it is I know it is God given to get me through. There is nothing that can take that from me......not even Chiari.
Anyone out there ever notice increase in flare ups during stressful or trying times? Any studies on that yet? Or is that just one more aspect of Chiari still left to be explored?
Sunday, July 13, 2008
Q had nothin to say for over a month.
Now that's a new one.
Honestly I have had a lot going on. Went through physical therapy, and also had some big flares with muscle spasms. Not a big deal, but didn't feel like sharing.
It's bad when the pain is so great that you can't brush your teeth. Yeah, I'm sure my physical therapist loved that day.
I have been spending time re-focusing on Christ. I needed to change the way I spent time with Him, and redirect my quiet times which has helped me regain focus through all of this. One of the ways I decided to approach this is to stop avoiding Paul. See Paul's comments in Corr and Timothy have gotten under my skin at times. Not because of his words, but how churches have used them to stunt growth in possible female leaders in the church. There was a lot going on back then, and I have since read the history to go along with these times, making it easier to understand Paul....but I still avoided the chapters.
So now I am reading the dreaded chapters with open eyes and an open heart. And there is a lot for me to learn there. Not just in the words, but in the process I went through to see them.
Sometimes we have to set aside preconceived notions to get to the heart of the matter.
And for me, sometimes I need to let go of my stubbornness and just listen.
Anyhow, I have a new/old buddy I'm not sure if I shared with you'uns.
This guy popped back into my life a few months ago with a single text message. We only met once five years ago, at a bar where I was supposed to be supporting the lead singer in the band I had come to see. Instead I spent hours talking to this guy. We had really hit it off with one minor detail left unspoken.....my walker tucked discretely under the bar. He didn't have the slightest clue about anything until I got up and scurried away.
Poor guy didn't have a clue. He thought my absent mindedness had to do with the drink I was sippin....which most likely was completely non-alcoholic since I had brain surgery only six months prior, and still was having major issues
Anyhow, so he's an interesting guy, and no we aren't dating. He is sweet and funny, but actually more like a guy I would date in my past life......pre-recovery, pre-Chiari (I'm a cat of nine + lives).
But I am enjoying our relationship.......definitely enough to post something here. It's like looking at photos from the past discovering more through older eyes.
Anyhow, moving on. This is the second day out of flare up and man and I enjoying low levels of pain. I think some minor pain is normal for someone in their 30s just by the simple process of figuring out the the 20s body flew out the window.
My spirits have been high today, and I feel a positive change coming my way. it might be just the end of a long bout fighting to keep my head above water.....but I doubt it. I think God has something in the mix. There is absolutely a shift in the wind of this season of life that has me excited.
What's He stirring in you?
Monday, June 2, 2008
Been a while. I have been exhausted by physical therapy!
They have brought something very positive into my life called TENS. I love it.
I shock those muscles into submission! It's great. Although it doesn't take away all the pain, it does make a good dent in it.
Had a horrible flare up last week where every muscle in my body hurt. Heck even the ones that control things like breathing.
But it is over now.....so I just feel tired, and am recovering well.
Just in time too. Have an extra kid this week, and might watch a friend's little one for a few weeks starting next week.
Kids, kids everyone, yet none to call my own.
What is crazy is the timing!
What is with God bringing me all these babies?
You don't think this is His way of saying "No Queli you aren't going to have any of your own kids, but I will provide you with plenty of other people's kids", do you?!!!
After having my 2 yr old nephew overnight several days last week, I am thinking that not being a mother, might not be a horrible thing. (I am kidding of course!)
To his defense, he was sick...(They didn't want Erin to catch his fever in her first week out of the womb).
And to my defense, it is hard taking full time care of a kid you only see a couple hours a week. There is a lot I didn't know about him.
And by the time we started figuring out each other's language, and how each did things; he was feeling better and able to go home.
Anyhow, although we all enjoyed having him, I was exhausted by the time he left.
Yet I still do want one of my own even more now.
Which drew me to one conclusion........those of you with multiple kids must be slightly insane.
To have one..........now that's just curiosity. But to do it again when you know all the work that goes into it. Now that is just plain nuts.
Can't wait to do it myself!
Monday, April 28, 2008
I have to comment on the recent performance by Jason singing this blog’s theme song on AI. First of all, before I begin, let me explain something.
I am not currently a judge on American Idol, nor am I dating Simon (although what follows might make you think one is true) For me voice is the most beautiful powerful God given instrument (or deprived in my case)
Which is why I love American Idol!
Honestly I just found out recently from my brother that not everyone loved voice.
I am shocked, and hoping one of you out there will tell me it is not true.
That being said, I was psyched when Dolly was featured and hoped that someone would pick this awesome award-winning song (which from what I heard, it only took minutes to write)
Then Jason took the stage.
And disappointment followed.
The song was blah, and it was sung without feeling. As you read listen to Dolly singing this same song in the background. The lyrics are about facing trials and tribulations, the AFGOs, the uncertainties, all within the excitement of continuing forward (all of which I can wholeheartedly relate to). The tone it is sung in is important at conveying this message.....and I don't think Jason got it.
I love Jason, but find his presence particularly odd at this stage of the competition.
He is more talented than me; which isn’t saying much as those unfortunate souls who have sat beside me during church can tell you.
However…….. he doesn’t hold water to some of the recent cast-offs. Yet confusingly he seems to get credit even when it is not due. He’s got a lot of support from the judges, but for some reason I think it is his beauty (inside and out) and not talent that they love.
Anyhow, my attack on Jason is not personal. I do think he is an amazing guy with a great voice…..just not so great that he should still be in at this point. Watch, now that I said that, a year from now he’ll be the only one with a number one song on the charts!
My American Idol prediction is a final battle between the Davids with Cook coming out on top.
Monday, April 14, 2008
Ok so I have had that day......you know the one where you expect a video crew to pop out of the bushes at any moment shouting "Surprise, your on Candid Camera"
But they didn't. Now I sort wish they did, cuz then there would be a excuse for my absent minded behaviors.
It was just a crazy off day.
The comedy of errors begin the moment I woke up and ran into my door. Several other things happened that I am blessed to be the only witness to (yeah you won't be hearing about it, cuz even though they are funny I would be embarrassed to admit any of it)
Forgetfulness, flakiness and clumsy hands have made this day one which would have made Ricky shake his finger and Lucy cringe. Isn't Chiari great!
Thank God there is only 20 more minutes til this day is officially done!