Monday, August 4, 2008

2

Flare Up with Trials

The last month has been one mess after another, one broken gadget after another, and one illness after another around here.
No time to stop and take a breath.
And right now I don't have time for the flare up that has come along.
My aching muscles scream when I try to comb my hair or brush my teeth let alone all the things left to get in order around here.
The earthly vessle has informed me it is time to rest, yet there is no to listen.
I wonder if the flare has any links to increased stress? Perhaps the stress alone, or all the activity I have been doing to try to keep up with the crumbling pieces of things and people falling apart around me.
However, God as my refuge, I have remained relatively calm during this storm. Numbness, a friend suggested, which may be true. However, whatever it is I know it is God given to get me through. There is nothing that can take that from me......not even Chiari.

Anyone out there ever notice increase in flare ups during stressful or trying times? Any studies on that yet? Or is that just one more aspect of Chiari still left to be explored?

Sunday, July 13, 2008

3

Can you believe it?!!!

Q had nothin to say for over a month.
Now that's a new one.
Honestly I have had a lot going on. Went through physical therapy, and also had some big flares with muscle spasms. Not a big deal, but didn't feel like sharing.
It's bad when the pain is so great that you can't brush your teeth. Yeah, I'm sure my physical therapist loved that day.
I have been spending time re-focusing on Christ. I needed to change the way I spent time with Him, and redirect my quiet times which has helped me regain focus through all of this. One of the ways I decided to approach this is to stop avoiding Paul. See Paul's comments in Corr and Timothy have gotten under my skin at times. Not because of his words, but how churches have used them to stunt growth in possible female leaders in the church. There was a lot going on back then, and I have since read the history to go along with these times, making it easier to understand Paul....but I still avoided the chapters.
So now I am reading the dreaded chapters with open eyes and an open heart. And there is a lot for me to learn there. Not just in the words, but in the process I went through to see them.
Sometimes we have to set aside preconceived notions to get to the heart of the matter.
And for me, sometimes I need to let go of my stubbornness and just listen.

Anyhow, I have a new/old buddy I'm not sure if I shared with you'uns.
This guy popped back into my life a few months ago with a single text message. We only met once five years ago, at a bar where I was supposed to be supporting the lead singer in the band I had come to see. Instead I spent hours talking to this guy. We had really hit it off with one minor detail left unspoken.....my walker tucked discretely under the bar. He didn't have the slightest clue about anything until I got up and scurried away.
Poor guy didn't have a clue. He thought my absent mindedness had to do with the drink I was sippin....which most likely was completely non-alcoholic since I had brain surgery only six months prior, and still was having major issues
Anyhow, so he's an interesting guy, and no we aren't dating. He is sweet and funny, but actually more like a guy I would date in my past life......pre-recovery, pre-Chiari (I'm a cat of nine + lives).
But I am enjoying our relationship.......definitely enough to post something here. It's like looking at photos from the past discovering more through older eyes.
Anyhow, moving on. This is the second day out of flare up and man and I enjoying low levels of pain. I think some minor pain is normal for someone in their 30s just by the simple process of figuring out the the 20s body flew out the window.
My spirits have been high today, and I feel a positive change coming my way. it might be just the end of a long bout fighting to keep my head above water.....but I doubt it. I think God has something in the mix. There is absolutely a shift in the wind of this season of life that has me excited.
What's He stirring in you?

Peace,
Q

Monday, June 2, 2008

0

Kidz

Been a while. I have been exhausted by physical therapy!
They have brought something very positive into my life called TENS. I love it.
I shock those muscles into submission! It's great. Although it doesn't take away all the pain, it does make a good dent in it.
Had a horrible flare up last week where every muscle in my body hurt. Heck even the ones that control things like breathing.
But it is over now.....so I just feel tired, and am recovering well.
Just in time too. Have an extra kid this week, and might watch a friend's little one for a few weeks starting next week.

Kids, kids everyone, yet none to call my own.

What is crazy is the timing!
What is with God bringing me all these babies?
You don't think this is His way of saying "No Queli you aren't going to have any of your own kids, but I will provide you with plenty of other people's kids", do you?!!!

After having my 2 yr old nephew overnight several days last week, I am thinking that not being a mother, might not be a horrible thing. (I am kidding of course!)
To his defense, he was sick...(They didn't want Erin to catch his fever in her first week out of the womb).
And to my defense, it is hard taking full time care of a kid you only see a couple hours a week. There is a lot I didn't know about him.
And by the time we started figuring out each other's language, and how each did things; he was feeling better and able to go home.

Anyhow, although we all enjoyed having him, I was exhausted by the time he left.
Yet I still do want one of my own even more now.

Which drew me to one conclusion........those of you with multiple kids must be slightly insane.
To have one..........now that's just curiosity. But to do it again when you know all the work that goes into it. Now that is just plain nuts.
Can't wait to do it myself!

Monday, April 28, 2008

0

Travelin Thru Goes Idol

I have to comment on the recent performance by Jason singing this blog’s theme song on AI. First of all, before I begin, let me explain something.
I am not currently a judge on American Idol, nor am I dating Simon (although what follows might make you think one is true) For me voice is the most beautiful powerful God given instrument (or deprived in my case)
Which is why I love American Idol!
Honestly I just found out recently from my brother that not everyone loved voice.
I am shocked, and hoping one of you out there will tell me it is not true.

That being said, I was psyched when Dolly was featured and hoped that someone would pick this awesome award-winning song (which from what I heard, it only took minutes to write)
Then Jason took the stage.
And disappointment followed.
The song was blah, and it was sung without feeling. As you read listen to Dolly singing this same song in the background. The lyrics are about facing trials and tribulations, the AFGOs, the uncertainties, all within the excitement of continuing forward (all of which I can wholeheartedly relate to). The tone it is sung in is important at conveying this message.....and I don't think Jason got it.
I love Jason, but find his presence particularly odd at this stage of the competition.
He is more talented than me; which isn’t saying much as those unfortunate souls who have sat beside me during church can tell you.
However…….. he doesn’t hold water to some of the recent cast-offs. Yet confusingly he seems to get credit even when it is not due. He’s got a lot of support from the judges, but for some reason I think it is his beauty (inside and out) and not talent that they love.

Anyhow, my attack on Jason is not personal. I do think he is an amazing guy with a great voice…..just not so great that he should still be in at this point. Watch, now that I said that, a year from now he’ll be the only one with a number one song on the charts!

My American Idol prediction is a final battle between the Davids with Cook coming out on top.

Monday, April 14, 2008

0

Comedy of Errors

Ok so I have had that day......you know the one where you expect a video crew to pop out of the bushes at any moment shouting "Surprise, your on Candid Camera"
But they didn't. Now I sort wish they did, cuz then there would be a excuse for my absent minded behaviors.
It was just a crazy off day.
The comedy of errors begin the moment I woke up and ran into my door. Several other things happened that I am blessed to be the only witness to (yeah you won't be hearing about it, cuz even though they are funny I would be embarrassed to admit any of it)
Forgetfulness, flakiness and clumsy hands have made this day one which would have made Ricky shake his finger and Lucy cringe. Isn't Chiari great!
Thank God there is only 20 more minutes til this day is officially done!

Sunday, April 13, 2008

0

Hurry Up & Wait

A few weeks ago I had to go to the pain doctor, and got some painful news (that's what they are for you know). I brought Sean the two year old I babysit. He was so excited when he realized we were going bye bye; grabbing his coat and shoes before Cuddles could change her mind. We even got to talk about the fact that we were ready....most of the way there.
Then we sat in the bare boring waiting room for a half hour. Sean didn't get it. He kept pulling at my hand insisting that I had made a mistake.
How could these four white walls, and line of straight back chairs be the infamous bye bye which he had hoped to include "ride the yellow car" at the playground, or seeing Ronald McDonald......
What a sham!
Finally the doctor came out and brought me back to burst my bubble in private. He basically was just straight with me; the pain I have I can expect lifelong. He basically said that there are things to make me more comfortable (like a fusion or traction, meds, alternative therapies......) but not to expect it to completely go away.
He did commend my determination to not take narcotics, and gave me a few more options. One thing he stressed as important for those with chronic pain stemming from neuro is to keep the muscles flexible, and loose. One way he encouraged me to do this is through Yoga.
He also gave me a script for a TENS Unit, which the rehab will teach me how to use. For those not familiar with TENS it send electrical impulses to the nerve to intercept the pain message. It works great for some people.....and God willing, I hope to be one of them.
I had to leave church in the middle of the message today so I could stand up because my back was cramping up. I thought previously that my pain and odd nerve sensations appeared worse after being in a car......but today I realized jeans are the more likely culprit.
Note to self: need more sweats
Anyhow, I have to admit I was bummed by some of the things my doc said, but in other ways he flipped on the green light to my life. Instead of giving me more things to wait for he said "this is your life", and now I must decide where it goes from here.
Like Sean, I have been in this big hurry to wait. Waiting for a cure, a therapy, the right surgery... and then my life could re-begin. You'd think I'd know when the wait was over, like there would be a big sign, like when the doctor entered the waiting room.
I expected this wait to end in a huge miraculous recovery. I know there is no cure, but for some reason I duped myself into believing "the next surgery will do it". The doc explained the next surgery might help.......but even so I would still have pain.
And then I sat back and took stock on how far I have come. I have had quite a few surgeries this year which have made a huge difference, just not the "no more symptoms" one I had expected.
So now it is time to move forward with what God has used this wait time to prepare me for.

I am starting slow with what God has already given me, because I do want to go on God's direction and not Queli's (my sense of direction has been shown to stink stating it mildly, and His is, well, flawless)
God has started so many things while I lay in wait, spoiling me with treasures I didn't know I would love before Chiari. And I haven't a clue what He has in plan, but honestly I don't need to know.
First things first, is to continue my volunteer work, and (drum roll please) I'm gonna complete my novel. Ya you heard it here first.
So starting this week I start going to leave the house two days a week, to concentrate on my book, and query letters.
Pray for me!
I'm all outta wait =)

Tuesday, April 8, 2008

0

Just Did It

So it's almost Wed and I forgot to update you all on the MSWalk.
I did it!
And I have been sleeping a WHOLE LOT since! =) (those with Chiari understand I am sure)

I got in the wheelchair three times, however, I did walk somewhere between 1/2 and 2/3 of the walk, which was a lot more than I thought I would when I woke up to rain.
My body ached even before I left the house, and I began to wonder if it was a good idea. I'm so glad that I didn't back out, because it was an awesome time.

I enjoyed the walk in the rain. That is something I haven't done in a while, but found peaceful. Not to mention it kept us cool (last year it was hot during the walk)

The only part was that last hill.

Ok so people that were there might be thinking "What hill?"

Believe me, there's a hill.

The very last stretch is on this slight incline...a slight incline that almost did me and my fresh scarred bac in. I was praying all the way up that I could walk it, and not collapse in front of the young cheersquad waving us in.

And what is that about anyhow, having middle school dance group at the end to remind all of us 30 somethings and above just how much energy has left our souls in the last 20 years as we clutch our chests, and try to act as if we are breathing normal as we hit the finish line full of bouncy, full of life, enthusiastic teens.

So anyhow, the event has passed in this neck of the woods, and I read somewhere that MS Society is about halfway to their goal of raising 1.5 million this year, which is awesome.

We really need to do something like this to raise $$ for Chiari research...

Take care of you,
Q

Tuesday, April 1, 2008

2

MSWalk

Ok, after much thought and prayer, I am still going to walk this Sunday.

No, I am not on some "nothing can stop me" mission; just following through with something I feel strongly about.



However, I am not going to walk anymore than my body says I can. Hopefully I will get through the entire walk, but even if I can't make it to West Patrick from the Middle School parking lot, I will at least be there to support someone close to me who IS walking, and is fighting a battle must more personal to her than it is to me.



If you would like to make a donation, go to the National MS Society website. You can donate directly or through one of the teams/individuals participating in the event. All the money goes to the same place, and will go towards research which will hopefully lead to a cure.

Sunday, March 30, 2008

1

Cat N Mouse

I recieved these in an email and had to share it with you all. Hope it brightens your day, like it did mine.







Peace,
Q





Friday, March 28, 2008

2

Stitch by stitch

My alarm clock was set for eight, but my back had enough by 6am. After it's continuous nagging, I finally dragged myself out of bed at 7, wishing I was still taking those pain meds.
I stopped taking them this week, only to be reminded once again that narcotics don't rid you of pain, they just make you sleep through a bulk of it. And unfortunately, I couldn't stand a minute more of being unable to remain conscious for more than 10 minutes at a time.
So here I sit, unmedicated.
Actually the pain isn't that bad. They cut all the way to my spine a little over a week ago, and the resulting pain does not match a chiari or fibro flare. Isn't that interesting?!
I'm actually big on not taking pills, which has made this trip in life so much more interesting than if I had not been a drug counselor and seen one too many clients who once had a surgery, or injury and 10 years later were still trying to get off the prescribed meds.
I know I drive my docs crazy.
However, with a history of anorexia, I am not taking my chances on becoming a pill addict. And I am a believer in the addiction theories associated with eating disorders. Therefore I won't buy into the idea that some doctors have that it is safe to take these addictive pills if you really need them.
No one saw the harm in those first 10 or 20 pounds dropping either.

Anyhow, most Chiarians come in on heavy doses of pain meds, so only the best post-surgical meds are given for our surgeries, because many people with my condition have a high tolerance for meds. Unfortuantely, and fortunately I do not. So they knocked me on my butt.

Now that I am "waking up", I am realizing the MSWalk is just around the corner. I need to decide if I am still walking, and if so, I really need to figure out which doc I should get consent from. Hmmmm.
I have already heard from some, that I should throw in the towel for this year since I did just have surgery. However, last year I walked with Chiari, fibro, and undiagnosed tethered cord, and a horrible decompression that hadn't been fixed yet or cleaned from remnants of meningitis........
So I am thinking a little slice on the back isn't exactly an excluding factor from walking.
But we'll see. I get the stitches out today, so I will ask the primary care doc what she thinks. I am guessing she will refer the question to the surgeons, but who knows until you ask.
Anywho.... if anyone would like to make a donation for MS, my site is a click awayClick here to donate.
If you would rather donate through someone who is definately walking, I will post one of my friend's sites at a later date (once I know what it is myself)

And if you would like to walk there is still time to register for the April 6th walk in Frederick.....or in the area closest to you. Click here to register!

Take care of you,
Queli

Sunday, March 23, 2008

2

I know I have been a bit of a hermit, but it is hard to return phone calls and email when you are sleeping all the time. But I did want you all to know that I do listen to my voicemail, read the emails, and actually do pick up the phone when I am awake!!!

So far from what I can determine, the surgery has been successful.
The goal was to relief symptoms below the neck......and although I can't report on spine pain (because the incision it quite painful itself), but I am hoping to throw out the infamous "butt peas" I have in the freezer that were used to try to calm the constant pain I have had in my tail bone for the last several years.
I can say that I have seen many dramatic changes, including not having to race to the restroom every 5 seconds, and the fact that I have normal feeling in my feet again.
It's pretty weird, since pain an numbness had become the "norm". I keep wiggling my feet and toes, shocked by the normal sensations of stretching my toes and such. It's so cool. Don't be shocked if you catch me playing with my feet at times, I am like a child that has just discovered she's got toes.
As for my body, it is tired and healing. I am just lying around letting God do His work from the inside out. A little tired of the sleep this all requires, but of course it is only temporary. Due to the heavy medications, I have in turn been provided some very vivid dreams to entertain me during this sleep-feast. Perhaps one or two will turn into a novel. =)
I can't say when I will have more periods of consciousness, but this is what I do know: I get the stitches out at the end of the week, and then start physical therapy in April. Right now I am not allowed to lift more than 3 pounds of strain at all.....and my back makes sure that I follow these orders precisely!!!
Which does break my heart when the little tiger I usually watch visits, and I have to have his mom pick him up so I can give and recieve hugs and kisses. He, btw, quickly made acquaintances with my walker, and began imitating me. He actually did a better job using it than me! lol
Anyhow, the zzz's are calling again. Thanks for your continued prays, and support.

Saturday, March 22, 2008

1

Home Again

Hi all,
I have a lot to post but not a lot of time until pain pills take away my consciousness....
So I will just say, I am home, and doing well.
Thanks for all of your prayers and support!
Q

Saturday, March 15, 2008

3

Surgery Again

A three day trip...ahhhh not as quick as we thought!
Wish I packed more than three pairs of underwear :(

Okay, so here's the scoop.
Came up to NYC for some tests and found that once again there is a downward pull trying to suck my brain down that long straw that runs to my butt.
Sorry if I am using too much medical terminology, but it's complicated:)

Anyhow, during the Frankenstein test with the bolts screwed in my head, the doctors started discussing the fusion, and other options. By the time the screws were removed, I was set for surgery on Monday. However, the odd twist of events is that I will not be fused on Monday (thank God). Instead, they feel that an occult tethered cord is the culprit. So come 12:30 Monday, I will officially be de-tethered. They say it will help with bladder, lower back strain, and feeling in my feet. And hopefully, it may eliminate the need for a cervical fusion as well.

It is Not A Brain Surgery!
All in the spine and a useless part at that. They call it the easy surgery, because it is simple for them. Basically it sounds like the surgeon with the scissors would have to have a grand mal seizure during the operation to mess me up. (Just teasing, but it truly is a surgery they are very familiar with here at TCI)
They snip a non-functional (we hope, lol) strand that they have a big long name for....but who knows what it is. Please note a bucket handle was screwed to my skull, attached to a pulley with 25 pounds of weight pulling my head up, as this was discussed.
Sounds painful, but it wasn't. The only painful part during the procedure was when they took me off the traction and all the weight of the contraption laid on my head as they detached me screw by screw.

Sore afterwards though. I think that those ten minutes or so I was knocked out in the beginning to place the traction, all the surgeons took turns smacking me around a bit. My jaw won't open all the way yet. They say this is because those muscle are attached to where the screws went in. But I still think it was a doctor's right hook :P

Ok, so not worried about the surgery. Heck at this point nothing sounds serious after you have had brain surgery. If the bartender knows his stuff you get a pinch from the IV, and open your eyes as doctors discuss important details of how everything went, while you are still trying to figure out why wires are attached to all parts of your body.
I get a long nap Monday afternoon, and that's about the extent of it on my end. However, I do hear it is quite painful. A few people at the Variety House say that it was the hardest recovery surgery they had.
So pray I don't have a lot of pain.

Also pray for my docs tomorrow. Not just for my surgery, but for whatever is going on in their own personal lives. Surgeons get a lot of prayer for their hands, and minds....but how much prayer actually goes for their hearts if they aren't already "plugged in"

I will be up in NYC for another week. They say about 3-5 days in the hospital and then 48 hours more before travel. But it all depends on how I am doing.
Pray for a short stay cuz that means I am doing well :)

Also more prayer......I know I am asking a lot.........but still...
Grandma has a small in-office eye surgery Wed morning, and I am a little worried about her and Robin at the end of this week without me and mom around. Just keep them both in your prayers this week.

Thanks guys!
Peace,
Q

Wednesday, March 5, 2008

0

Forgetable?

Simon was at it again tonight, tearing into contestants performances with brutal honesty and no regard to feelings. Honestly, I like Simon, he isn't wishy-washy or stuck on key slogans in his commmunication; he just says what he thinks.

But tonight something he said made my pmsing self tear up...for him, the woman he was critiquing, and for all of us.

I know the direct quote is out there somewhere, but the jist was something in the lines of

"You are quite forgetable"

Wow! What a statement!

And it hit me between the eyes. I had to ask myself, am I forgetable? Have I done anything that has made a mark, or even really made a difference in another person's life? If I were taken home tomorrow, will I have done anything that comes to someone's mind ten years down the road?

All in all, it doesn't matter, nor is it true.

Doesn't matter, cuz when we are gone, we are gone. There is no reason for a legacy to be left behind of our presence. When I am in heaven, I doubt I am going to concern myself with whether people remembered me or not.

So why does it matter? No, I mean really, why does it matter?

Why is it that the thought of being forgetable brought tears to my eyes, or made me feel sad for the man who spoke those words.

I think it is because being remembered makes us "count" in some way.

However, we counted before our parents knew of our conception to the only one who really matters. The Alpha and Omega who was there before it mattered whether we matter, and will be there after.

The Lord who knows us intimately in fine detail, down to the number of hairs on our head; yet loves us nonetheless.

The one who knows not only the good things that others might praise, but also loves us through the moments we pray no one ever finds out about.

We matter, we are not forgetable.



This brings me to this odd turn of events. Think about being forgotten.

Really think about it.

Now think of someone in your life that might already feel forgotten.

The neighbor in a nursing home, the lady you walk past every thursday on the way to work picking up cans to make it one more day with the spare change from recylcling, the child benched at every little league game......

Or one of your close friends who is struggling to make the bills each month, but finds time to send you a card for every holiday, the check-out guy who always makes sure your can foods are double bagged....

You get the point.

Think of someone who has no clue of their signicance, and write their name down on a piece of paper. Think of one sentence or two that lets them know you notice them or their efforts, and pass it along.

There is no pay it forward here. The person you give the note to doesn't have to do anything in return but accept your comment. This is not a chain-letter and doesn't need to go very far to make a difference.....just one letter.

Do this because not everyone knows that there is a Lord who knows them by name. And many of us go through life never knowing the small differences we made.

Its about letting those around us know in a very small way that they are important.



Perhaps your note even, might be what makes you unforgetable in someone else's eyes.





Peace,

Q



btw- you can't send me a note because that would be cheating.......think and pray about who in your life could use a reminder.

Sunday, February 17, 2008

1

Broken Dreams

I have always loved this poem, and just recently started using it as my signiture on emails.

I wanted to share it with all of you, because one thing I have learned as I have met more and more people with chronic illnesses.....this poem has been a reoccuring theme in many of own lives. With each new step, we have to learn once again how to let go.


Broken Dreams

As children bring their broken toys
with tears for us to mend,
I brought my broken dreams to God
because He was my friend.
But then instead of leaving Him
in peace to work alone,
I hung around and tried to help
with ways that were my own.
At last I snatched them back and cried,
"How can You be so slow?"
"My child," He said, "What could I do?
You never did let go."

Author unknown

Monday, February 11, 2008

1

Fibro Flare

Ok so it has been over 2 weeks into this fibro flare up and I have been having headaches also. There is a small portion in my turnk area, thank God, that is not in pain (mostly trunk except spine).
I've had it.
I need a good night's rest but it does not look like it is coming any time soon.
Well perhaps I am wrong there.
There is a light at the end of this tunnel.
I have my first appointment with a pain management specialist on Wed. And we all know what that means: Most likely I will not feel pain for an unknown period of time, starting about an hour prior to my appointment.
Doesn't it always happen like that? It's like taking that clickity car into the mechanics, where it doesn't make a sound.
I really want to try TENS, and see if it lowers my pain levels.
My fear is that I will get to the office and not be in pain, so we won't be able to try it.....and then the pain will start up an hour after I get home.
I joke about this, but there has to be a time of relief coming.....and honestly, I will take the miraculous rebound for a few hours surrounding the appointment if that is how Chiari and Fibro wanna play it.
I just need a break.
I have decided from now on I take off on Tuesdays.
No pain causing condition is allowed on Tuesdays.
No headaches, neck pain, or pockets filled with fluid popping to the surface of my head on Tuesdays.
No brain swallowing the skull, on Tuesdays.
No vomitting, nausea. vertigo, blurred vision or dizziness on Tuesdays.
No knock out meds that make you feel hung over without the benefit of drinking first, but still don't touch that pain, on Tuesdays.

No. I am not crazy. According to modern psychology, when you live with dysfunctional elements, you need to keep yourself from submerging into that dysfunction.
I am just laying out healthy boundaries for these houseguests that don't seem to want to leave.

Ok, so I'm nuts.
But it would be nice...

Peace to you all,
Q

Thursday, January 31, 2008

0

It's Up

I posted the promised blog about preparing for surgery on UnZipped. It ended up being thrown together at last minute, so I most likely will update it. However, it is there for those of you planning on surgery soon. Thanks for those who gave input. For you others out there who have been through surgery, please feel free to email me with ideas.

Thursday, January 24, 2008

0

Tips?

I am prepaing a blog for UnZipped on preparing for surgery. I have several things in mind that I thought were important (ie what to bring, things to expect) However, it is based on my own experience.
What do you think is important about preparing for surgery?
What do you wish you would have known? Thought about?
Think about the different aspects of preparing for surgery, physically, spiritually, emotionally, mentally....
as well as preparing to go out of town for surgery (which is what many of us end up doing)
And email me your responses at:
queli.is@gmail.com

Thanks,
Q

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

1

Take the Steps

Today was the day.
Nine years ago on Superbowl Sunday, I was contemplating my full load of classes, and the upcoming trip to Amsterdam during Spring Break. I had about a year and a half of recovery under my belt (literally!) and was enjoying what they call a "honeymoon period", where I was just racing from one thing to the next completely psyched that I finally had begun to find my voice. Life seemed to be going so slowly, and I strongly desired a fast forward button.

With the ring of the phone everything I saw as important ran through my fingers like sand. At ten o'clock I desperately wanted a rewind, or at least a pause. Throwing a sweatsuit and a black dress in my suitcase, I headed to the airport the next morning going to say goodbye to my sister, from what the doctors where predicting. Lord, please keep her alive until she is saved; I pleaded to my Savior all the way there.

She had been found earlier that day, on her bathroom floor in a coma, with a large gash in her head. There was no blood. Her head had landed on her hand, which had kept the wound from bleeding out during the 12 hours the doctors estimated that it had been since she had collapsed.

It was several days before we found out that an aneurysm had caused the bleed, which lead to the stroke, that landed my sister Robin on that floor. She was taken to another hospital for surgery where we were told that Robin had a 1 in 4 chance of surviving. Later, I found out that this surgeon was being gracious in his calculations. The actual chance of someone making it to the hospital in the condition Robin was in is actually around a 1 out of 10 chance. And out of that 10 percent, only 10 percent of those patients make it through surgery.
As the surgeons worked on Robin, I headed to the small hospital chapel, where I begged the Lord again to keep Robin around long enough to be saved.

She had been running around in circles looking for something for a while, and I was sure it was Him, even though she despised that I thought that. But I couldn't imagine Robin leaving this world without finding what she was truly looking for. He had to save her so she could see Him. Didn't He know that?!
I was doing what they call bargaining. Wanting to give God reasons to spare my sister. I knew I was grasping at straws, but I couldn't imagine her leaving before she found what she was looking for.
Six weeks later, Robin woke up... And after several weeks of speech therapy we found out that Robin did indeed find Him. Some people couldn't understand why God would allow something like this to happen to Robin, which shocked her. Her response shocked us. God saved me. She whispered in the little voice she had left.
She began to demonstrate this even further through out the months and years to come, as she learned to sit, talk, and even walk again.
Robin doesn't have any memory of the coma (or actually any events prior to her stroke), so she can't tell us what changed in those weeks. But I believe Jesus was not only with her in the darkness; I believe He let her see His face and feel His embrace through those weeks.
My sister still lives with a lot of limitations from that stroke. She has Parkinson like symptoms from the damage done by the two aneurysms that ruptured that day; including her shuffling walk.
She doesn't do stair very often, and when she does it takes everything she has to accomplish the task. She has the strength, but her brain doesn't tell each foot what it should be doing....or that she should shift her weight.....or move her hips. Things most of us do without even knowing it, she has to concentrate on immaculately.
But today she climbed those four steps, then descended four more, one leg slowly at a time, down into that pool of water. She had been very nervous about this day even though she talked about it often. She didn't want to fall, or embarrass herself....which she knew could happen, but she still really wanted to participate.
It took several people to help, and coax her through the obstacle, but Robin fared fairly well... Accomplishing the one task she has been planning on since the day she woke up; to be baptized.
After all that has happened in her life, Robin is still my superhero big sister, reminding me to face my fears and live my dreams: Even when there are steps involved.
Peace b with u,
Q

Wednesday, January 9, 2008

1

Zip it Chiari!

The journey has led to into a storm; a twister if you may. Someone once explained a tornado to me as a storm that has turned in on itself. Sometimes I feel my body is it’s own form of this violent weather.

The vast bubble of fluid resting outside of my scull disappeared overnight after a someone-please-kill-me-migraine. Yes, I am sure everyone can relate to one of those at some point in their life. The headache which actually leads you to think that forcibly removing that part of your scull with a hammer, or other useful devise, might actually improve the situation.

The next morning I wake up with a hangover-like feeling, and a normal feeling scull. I thought perhaps I was drinking the night before and perhaps was still drunk, imagining this. On the second day, I was rejoicing that indeed no alcohol was involved!
My head was normal….although I did go to bed with a pretty nasty headache.
Then on the third day, my brain swallowed my scull….again, if you remember earlier posts regarding this matter.
It feels almost like a piece is missing or sucked in behind that plate of titanium, which didn’t set off the airline alarms by the way on my way back from Phoenix. What is up with airline security? That bothered me. However, not being patted down, now that was priceless.
Anyhow, I asked the surgeon about it and we postponed the shunt to wait and see what is going on. He saw this as a “oh wow, perhaps you might not need the shunt”; where I saw it as “Oh crap, you have no idea what is wrong with me!”
Perspective is everything.
I panicked, and when I say panic I don’t mean got a little nervous. I mean snot-nosed sobbing, and freaking out type of ordeal which usually can only be controlled by God’s grace or Xanax.
I was focused on the storm and felt myself sinking. I let myself sink to the point where I even questioned my place in ministry. How could God use me when my brain is on a manifest gusto, sneaking down my spine and devouring my scull? I felt useless, and incapable in an instant.
Not being in the know, and more importantly, the experts not being in the know, really brought me to my knees.
And that’s not a bad place to go. I think getting weak in the knees only puts us in the right position where we should have been in the first place.
Putting my focus back on Christ, the storm began to fade. And I realized, or should I say remembered, it’s not about me.
Again perspective is everything.
Now I find myself in an awesome territory called peace, located directly in the eye of the storm.
I know this concave scull thing can’t be good…but we don’t have answers today. SO, why worry about what I can not control?!
The doctors are checking into it, and hopefully will come back with answers.
In the meantime, I say Zip it Chiari! I am not sitting down until the captain flashes the “fasten your seatbelt” sign.
We will figure this out in the proverbial tomorrow…For now, I am moving forward, while comfortably resting in today.
Peace,
Q

Wednesday, January 2, 2008

1

Every Silver Lining has a Dark Cloud

One of my closest friends came up with this saying on accident......but I loved it just the way she stated it.
Every Silver lining has a Dark cloud.

Because honestly this statement is much easier to see than the actual saying.
Every dark cloud has a silver lining.
I mean when we are in darkness, do we actually see that sliver of hope.....or perhaps do we only see it once we take a step away to catch it from another angle.

The way my friend stated it puts the perspective on the silver lining.
Something that would not be needed if there wasn't a dark cloud.
A substance that perhaps would not have any meaning without the trail associated with it.
It's the job after spending months on Unemployment.
The glorious sunset following a storm.
Vacationing at the beach, taking a week off from your constant struggle to maintain work, family, and getting to the gym five times a week.

My vacation in Phoenix was exactly this: my silver lining.
I was able to rest, and gain strength in the eye of the storm......knowing full well I couldn't stop what lies ahead, but gaining peace that only God can provide.

On day one God separated day from night. He could have made it so we had light all the time.......but would we have noticed that? Most likely not (only can speak for Q though)
So he cut up the hours of darkness, by providing a star with the ability to comfort us with warmth and light. Making there an end to darkness.........but not a promise that it won't come again.........cuz we all know in 12 or more hours, night will fall again...........only to be replaced again slowly starting with a warm glow on the horizon, blooming into its full awesome brilliance.

That is what is such a blessing about this thing we call life. It comes with uncertainties, confusion, and sadness.
However, even though most things change rapidly, we always can have faith in the fact that the sun isn't far behind.
So yeah, Queli has some surgeries to deal with.....but, hell it just means I am going to be overwhelmed with silver linings.
Peace,
Q