Sunday, October 7, 2007

Ooops I did it again

I start this with an admission and plea to God.
Lord forgive me, I lost my way once again.
I have been praising God in the results of this surgery, but somehow forgot my promise to Him somewhere along the way.
A few months ago, when this journey first began its new direction, I knew the great possibility this would happen. I even met with my pastor ans prayed that I would not forget my promise. But yesterday, the creator gently nudged me, and reminded me. Sometimes we get pushes, and I thank God that it was a soft guiding nudge.
See I went on my first social outing since surgery yesterday. I had a lot of praises to share about my experience. But when asked where I was headed from here, I had no answer. In my head I thought of going back to therapy and working with addictions, or committing myself solely to those unfinished novels I have spinning around in my head.
Not a single thought went to continuing on this ministry path God has lead me on.
It was only months ago that I admitted to my pastor that this could happen.
If God healed me, or at least restored me to the point where I would have choices, would I choose to serve Him? I came into servanthood naked; stripped of my career, health, and everything I used to hold dear. It was one of the few things I could do.
What I found was more than I could hope for. The only words I can seem to find to describe it is grace.
When I started volunteering my time to serve Christ by serving others, I had no clue I would get anything out of it. Selfishly I did.
I found that the road had not hit a dead end, but a continuance down a path I didn't know existed. All of a sudden it made since why I had gone to school, and how God could use it, not only despite my limitations.......but because of them. I found a place where, cheesy but true, I was comfortable in my own skin. A place where I didn't feel the need to control, but to just be present and ready.
And now I was just about to give all of that up.
And for what?
To reach for that dream society expects all of us to reach for....of money, and success.
When the lesson has already been taught that these things are not what brings what I need. These things no longer define me, because what Chiari did teach me is that at the end of the day, the only thing I am that is worthwhile is Christ's child.
I hope this isn't babble to those who come across it. I am just processing.
Today, Interestingly enough, the message was about servanthood.
and to draw the point in, the final song at the end of service was one of my favorites.... one of the reoccurring lines being Come heal me Jesus, I will follow.
And I was following much better before his healing.
I sure am a spoiled child, aren't I.
Ok, so here it goes, before God and the World Wide Web, I recommit.
I share this with all of you for accountability.
I let go of these reigns I seem to think I have, and hand them over to the one who made these eyes.
Letting go means being still and letting the Lord lead this journey. And for those of you who know what a control freak I am, this isn't going to be easy.
But I am comforted in the fact that I know the trip is going to be amazing. Look where it has come so far.


lace1070 said...

I hear ya, sister. I think we all go through this ~ it's proof that you are still human and half the battle is won by recognizing this and choosing to recommit. You totally have been handpicked ~ to go through the storm and come out on the other end. Stay humble ~ remember where you came from and touch lives because of the storm you have weathered. I, too, am on that path ~ it's a hard road to follow ~ but how can we not? ~Lace

Abbie said...

Amen to this sister!
Glad you enjoyed the dinner!
Also taking your 5 minutes of silence advice.