Sunday, April 13, 2008

Hurry Up & Wait

A few weeks ago I had to go to the pain doctor, and got some painful news (that's what they are for you know). I brought Sean the two year old I babysit. He was so excited when he realized we were going bye bye; grabbing his coat and shoes before Cuddles could change her mind. We even got to talk about the fact that we were ready....most of the way there.
Then we sat in the bare boring waiting room for a half hour. Sean didn't get it. He kept pulling at my hand insisting that I had made a mistake.
How could these four white walls, and line of straight back chairs be the infamous bye bye which he had hoped to include "ride the yellow car" at the playground, or seeing Ronald McDonald......
What a sham!
Finally the doctor came out and brought me back to burst my bubble in private. He basically was just straight with me; the pain I have I can expect lifelong. He basically said that there are things to make me more comfortable (like a fusion or traction, meds, alternative therapies......) but not to expect it to completely go away.
He did commend my determination to not take narcotics, and gave me a few more options. One thing he stressed as important for those with chronic pain stemming from neuro is to keep the muscles flexible, and loose. One way he encouraged me to do this is through Yoga.
He also gave me a script for a TENS Unit, which the rehab will teach me how to use. For those not familiar with TENS it send electrical impulses to the nerve to intercept the pain message. It works great for some people.....and God willing, I hope to be one of them.
I had to leave church in the middle of the message today so I could stand up because my back was cramping up. I thought previously that my pain and odd nerve sensations appeared worse after being in a car......but today I realized jeans are the more likely culprit.
Note to self: need more sweats
Anyhow, I have to admit I was bummed by some of the things my doc said, but in other ways he flipped on the green light to my life. Instead of giving me more things to wait for he said "this is your life", and now I must decide where it goes from here.
Like Sean, I have been in this big hurry to wait. Waiting for a cure, a therapy, the right surgery... and then my life could re-begin. You'd think I'd know when the wait was over, like there would be a big sign, like when the doctor entered the waiting room.
I expected this wait to end in a huge miraculous recovery. I know there is no cure, but for some reason I duped myself into believing "the next surgery will do it". The doc explained the next surgery might help.......but even so I would still have pain.
And then I sat back and took stock on how far I have come. I have had quite a few surgeries this year which have made a huge difference, just not the "no more symptoms" one I had expected.
So now it is time to move forward with what God has used this wait time to prepare me for.

I am starting slow with what God has already given me, because I do want to go on God's direction and not Queli's (my sense of direction has been shown to stink stating it mildly, and His is, well, flawless)
God has started so many things while I lay in wait, spoiling me with treasures I didn't know I would love before Chiari. And I haven't a clue what He has in plan, but honestly I don't need to know.
First things first, is to continue my volunteer work, and (drum roll please) I'm gonna complete my novel. Ya you heard it here first.
So starting this week I start going to leave the house two days a week, to concentrate on my book, and query letters.
Pray for me!
I'm all outta wait =)